What heals you comes down to how able you are to deal with what hurt you. Healing needs to be whole and involve the deep you, the child you.
When my daughter died from suicide I went through years of therapy and didn’t once delve into trying to heal from loosing her. My healing came from within me, from seeing who I am and knowing why I am the way I am. Healing yourself from a painful event is nearly impossible if you don’t know yourself first.
The saying “if you don’t heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed all over the people who didn’t” has a mountain of truth to it, especially when you’ve spent your life bleeding all over yourself. If, like me, you spent a great deal of your life wondering what’s wrong with you and why everything you try to do ends up being a mess, chances are you were wounded deeply as a child. It’s not so much what is wrong with you as it is what happened to you.
What happens to you forms you like a mold. What happened to you is who you are in relationships, at work, on holidays, with your family, and who you are around people. Most of my life was a disaster, relationships I entered into with the goal of sacrificing myself to be the man someone wanted, holding grudges at work that ultimately hurt only me, going after one dream after another only to see them fade into the nothingness of my journey.
Trying the best I could at being a good father only to watch my only child die before my eyes. I couldn’t even save her.
I used to hate who I was and how my life turned out. Today I’m more at peace, even if it will always hurt deep inside.
So how do you do that? How do you go back to a place you’d long put in your past when so much shit has happened since then? Opening a wound you buried so deep in your comfort zone is like peeling off a wetsuit. Underneath those layers is you. The real you. Not the person you show the world or the person who walks around wearing a mask of confidence.
You have to learn to love yourself, forgive yourself, and start believing your deserve to be unconditionally loved for who you are. Make room for honesty and start living authentically. Some people are going to walk right out of your life for it, some will wonder who the hell you are and will fight hard to put you back in your place, but the ones who love you unconditionally will still love you unconditionally.
Not living a life true to yourself is the number one regret of the dying. To use a line from Bravehaert, “Run and you’ll live — at least a while. And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom!”
How many days are you willing to lose living a script written by someone else? You’re not free, you’re chained to a lie and the lie is the person you keep pretending to be. I was so messed up in my thirties I bought a journal because someone told me it helps but I ended up writing only what I thought other people would want to read. I felt so worthless I had nothing to say, not even if I needed to do it to heal.
Learning to love yourself takes time, it might take the rest of your life, but at least you wouldn’t spend your old age full of regrets. If a journey just for you isn’t worth it than what is?
The harder it was for you as a child the harder it will be. “Who are you to get this, you think you’re special, you think you have it bad, what’s wrong with you?” It creeps in because you’ve been programmed to think of yourself like that. You can buy the most advanced computer system you can afford but if it’s running Windows 3.0, it’ll have the same old crappy machine and you’ll sit there wondering what’s wrong with it.
It might not be fair, but at least it doesn’t have to be permanent. You can upgrade your life operating system anytime you build up the courage too. Just remember to be compassionate with others, chances are they’re living a wounded life too.
Healing yourself begins with loving yourself. Once I started to see my own worth I started to heal. This is truly a nice place to be.
Wishing you peace in your journey,